(If I Actually Wanted to Truly Love Myself)
I remember back in 2018 running a full-day Self Love and Confidence workshop.
One of the attendees — a burlesque and professional pole performer — told me she wasn’t sure what kind of self-love to expect.
Which honestly made me laugh 🤣
Because at that point, the term self-love was already starting to take on a very specific aesthetic.
Fast forward to now, and self-love usually conjures images of bubble baths, cosy blankets, meditation cushions, oracle cards, scented candles, and affirmations whispered into mirrors while wearing comforting pyjamas.
If you type self-love into Google or an AI chat, you’ll be flooded with advice like:
- “Just tell yourself you love yourself”
- Louise Hay-style mirror work
- Self-care rituals involving incense and manifestation practices
And while these things can be lovely…
➡️ They don’t actually address why so many of us don’t love ourselves in the first place.
Why We Don’t Love Ourselves
Over the last decade, I’ve worked with hundreds of driven, successful humans in coaching and therapeutic settings.
And I can honestly say this:
I have never met someone who, at the beginning of our work together, believed with absolute certainty that they were good enough and worthy enough.
The reasons differ from person to person, but the core belief is usually the same:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not worthy enough.”
And that belief almost always traces back to childhood.
Not because anything was “wrong” with them, but because a child’s mind hasn’t yet developed the ability to contextualise experiences.
So instead, it internalises them.
Maybe:
- A teacher made a throwaway comment about their ability, and it became truth.
- A parent repeatedly told them they were a “bad kid.”
- Another child said something shitty in the playground, and others laughed.
As adults, these moments might sting, but we can usually rationalise them.
As children, we can’t.
And those early interpretations quietly become lifelong beliefs.
Why These Beliefs Have Such Power
Beliefs don’t just sit quietly in the background.
They shape:
- How you think
- How you behave
- How you perceive yourself
- What your brain filters as “evidence”
Here’s a very real example from my own life.
When I was younger, my dad often told me I was uncoordinated and lanky, just like him.
At first, I didn’t really care.
But over time… I believed it.
At dance class, I took longer to learn routines.
On my bike, I felt anxious I’d fall off.
I walked with a slight hunch to feel less gangly — without even realising it.
Years later, I saw a VHS tape of me acting on stage… hunched.
My identity had become:
“I’m uncoordinated.”
So when I did move well or pick something up quickly, I dismissed it as a fluke.
Because confirmation bias kicked in:
“That can’t be true — that’s not who I am.”
Grace felt like an act.
Confidence felt like pretending.
Why Stop at One Limiting Belief When You Can Have Loads?
Here’s the thing about limiting beliefs: they love company.
“I’m not good enough” rarely travels alone.
It brings friends.
A breakup?
→ “I’m not lovable.”
Fail an exam?
→ “I’m not smart enough.”
Miss a goal?
→ “I’m just not cut out for this.”
And over time, these beliefs gather evidence, reinforce each other, and solidify as identity.
By your 20s, 30s, 40s (and beyond), they don’t just disappear.
Unless…
You change them.
When Your Beliefs Change, Everything Changes
When I was 21, a friend told me she was auditioning for a professional dance college.
I remember saying,
“I didn’t know you were a dancer.”
She replied,
“I’m not really — I danced as a kid and just thought, why not?”
At the time, I was self-employed, had flexible hours, and thought…
That could be fun.
So I applied too, fully expecting nothing.
When my audition letter arrived, I was shocked… and absolutely shitting myself.
I was “too old.”
I still believed I had the coordination of a drunken giraffe in rollerblades.
On audition day, surrounded by confident 15- and 16-year-olds in very cool dance gear, I felt wildly out of place.
We learned a two-minute routine, had 30 minutes to practise, then performed it in lines.
Let me be clear:
My performance probably looked like a red-headed Kermit the Frog attempting a deeply committed but wildly uncoordinated rain dance.
I was ready to leave.
But then something incredible happened.
During the interview, the lecturer told me she could see how much I gave.
She asked about my work ethic, my willingness to improve, and why I wanted to be there.
I told the truth:
- I work hard.
- I keep going even when I’m not great yet.
- I love movement, music, and expression.
Two years later, I walked away with professional qualifications…
and a new belief:
“I can be coordinated. I can be graceful.”
And my body reflected it.
Core Beliefs Are the Biggest Game Changers
Beliefs change in three main ways:
1. Gradual Change Through Experience
Repeated new behaviours slowly build new neural pathways.
Old beliefs fade through disuse.
2. A Single, Profound Moment
An experience so powerful it instantly collapses the old belief
(like finding out Santa isn’t real).
3. Direct Unconscious Change
Using tools like NLP, hypnosis, EFT, or EMDR to rewire beliefs at the root.
I experienced the third in 2014.
I hired a coach to help with public speaking confidence.
Instead of “managing nerves,” we uncovered the core belief:
“I’m not good enough.”
It had formed when I was 8 years old, after messing up a karaoke song at my birthday party.
I was now 30.
Leaving that session, I felt like a different person — and grieved how hard I’d worked my entire life just to feel “enough.”
Now…
I just was.
The Greatest Love Story There Is
Over the years, I fell deeply in love with myself, and retrained so I could help others do the same.
There is something magical about looking in the mirror and feeling acceptance, warmth, and love for who you are.
And something even more special about guiding others there too.
So if I could give my younger self one piece of self-love advice, it would be this:
👉 Don’t try to love yourself harder.
👉 Change the beliefs that tell you you’re not worthy of love.
Because you are already enough.
Not because of what you do.
Not because of what you achieve.
Simply because you are.
A final note from me to you…
If you’ve been chasing self-love through bubble baths, affirmations, or “trying to be more confident”, this is your permission slip to stop.
Real self-love isn’t something you add on.
It’s something you uncover.
And if you’re ready to keep peeling back the layers, the beliefs, the conditioning, the quiet stories that shaped how you see yourself, I’d love to walk alongside you.
You can join my e-letters, Thinking for a Change, where I share honest insights, grounded practices, and real conversations about living an aligned life , not a perfect one, a true one.
There’s no fluff. No performative fixing.
Just coming back to who you’ve always been.
Kirsty 🙏
